Some Actual Signs
 
 
In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
 *
 On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."
 *
 Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak."
 *
 In a nonsmoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you
 are on fire and take appropriate action."
 *
 On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."
 *
 On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except
 the dog."
 *
 At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking
 for, you've come to the right place."
 *
 On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."
 *
 On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."
 *
 On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
 *
 At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss
 a car payment."
 *
 Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
 *
 In a dry cleaner's emporium, "Drop your pants here."
 *
 On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and
 the 2nd one just left."
 *
 In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
 *
 At the electric company, "We would be delighted if you send in your
 bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
 *
 In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"
 *
 On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes to take
 what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)
 *
 In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in
 and get fed up."
 *
 Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
 

 Love it -- Thanks Lion

After a car crash one of the drivers is lying injured at the side of the road.
'Don't worry,' said a policeman, a Red Cross nurse is coming to attend to you.'

Oh no,' groaned the victim, 'couldn't I have a blonde, cheerful one?' 

 

While attending a marriage seminar on communication,
a husband and his wife listened to the instructor declare,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
The instructor asked the husband,
"Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
He leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
 "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"
 

A young woman tells her father,

"Daddy, I am in love with a guy, but he lives so far away."

"We found each other on a dating site, got to be friends on Facebook,
chatted in Whatsapp,
he proposed to me on Google Hangouts
and we built our relationship on Snapchat."

"Daddy, please don't preach.  I just need your love and support."

The father replies, “Well, isn’t that something!"

"Why don't you two marry on Twitter,
 have a good time on Tango,
purchase your kids on Amazon
and send them through Paypal."
 
"And if your husband is giving you a tough time,
sell him on Ebay."